From the Inside

 Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I just haven't found time in a while to write. I can't even remember where I left off!

Well, Goth and I shared our one month and it was amazing. Then Tuesday the 20th we saw Cradle of Filth, which was freaking awesome! They put on a great show. Goth and I have been hanging out a lot since then, just chillin', watching movies and driving around. I hung out with Beck the other day to do a photoshoot sorta dealy. It was really fun. Then we watched the second Underworld movie and just hung out till Da picked me up. 

Doxy and I were supposed to go to the mall two Fridays ago, but as per usual she had to cancel due to last minute plans with someone else. So we re-scheduled for Sunday, but that didn't work out, so we planned for this passed Friday. Everything appears to be good, except that she didn't show up at my house. She didn't call, didn't text, didn't leave me a message on Facebook, nothing. I texted her three times, tried to call, but to no avail. This isn't the first time it's happened, either. But I'm getting pretty fucking fed up. The least she could do it call me to let me know she isn't coming. But since it happens all the time, I shouldn't have expected this time to be any different. I don't know why I waited around for a few hours. Goth and I hung out that night instead and we had a great time. I just love being with him, he makes me so happy, me makes me smile and laugh a lot.

Goth drove to the mall after staying for dinner so that I could pick up Repo! and he could check to see if he was working that night. He was told that the manager would call him later on that night to let him know if he could have the extra shift. So, after watching almost all of Repo! and cuddling up for a while, his work decided to call him at twenty to ten. Which left him only twenty minutes to get home, get ready, and be at work, which didn't work out so well. So he told them that he just wasn't going to go in, and he spent the remainder of the night with me.

And then there was Saturday. After chillin at his friend's house for a party, we came back to my place and hung out. And we had the most wonderful night. The house was ours and it didn't go to waste. And every second I am with him makes me like him more and more. Saturday was just simply wonderful. 

Everything about him is just so...I don't even have the right word for it. I love everything about him. I love how we can talk on the phone for hours and keep up conversations without any awkward pauses. I love how he always makes me laugh so darn much, and my face aches because he always knows how to make me smile. I love the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he runs his fingers down my skin and holds me close. I love the way he kisses me gently and brushes the hair from my face. I love the way he looks at me before he kisses me. I love the way he holds my hand and stays near me always. I love how he is so open and honest with me. Some things he knows I may get a tad upset over, but at least he is honest and that makes everything alright. I've been told so many lies over and over again and it's great to finally have someone who is so honest. 

I love Linkin Park, anyone can figure that out. I showed him a version of Shadow of the Day that Boyce Avenue did. He spent all day on Saturday recording his own version of the song just for me. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. It honestly brought tears to my eyes when we were driving to his friend's place and he played the song for me. I love his voice, I love his music. And his voice suits the song perfectly. It is absolutely beautiful and still brings tears to my eyes whenever I play it. I don't even know if he knows how much that means to me. How much HE means to me. I really want to do something special for him, but I have no idea what to do. I'll think of something though. His Birthday is coming up fast and I need ideas for that, too.

Anyways, I've got to be on my way to work now. I'll update more later on. Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron

 I am happy with my life, for once. And it feels good to be able to say this. I owe it all to Goth.

This passed Sunday was our One Month. The entire weekend was amazing. I spent all of Saturday night with Goth, until about two o'clock in the morning. I love spending time with him. He's just so easy to be around, and I can be myself around him. He's such a sweetheart. I love how he always texts me when he gets up every day. I love how he always wants me to text him goodnight, because he knows I go to bed earlier than he does. I love how we can always talk on the phone for great lengths of time and never run out of things to say. I love how he loves to cuddle and and hold me close and makes me feel special. He always wants to hang out and spend time with me, which means that he isn't sick of me yet! So things are going amazingly well, and it makes me really happy.

Unfortunately, I still cannot bring myself to open up a lot, but I've done well so far I think. But then again, I have a hard time opening up to a lot of people. But slowly but surely it's coming.

The only downer that's happened in the last little while is that I saw Saunds on Sunday as well, when Goth and I stopped off at McDonalds for a late lunch. I had a slight freak out. It was really, really uncomfortable seeing him again, especially after knowing everything he's said about me after he broke up with me. I feel bad, because Goth knew something was wrong but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to tell him why I was freaking out. Perhaps I will sometime. It's just, I hate talking about ex's in front of current boyfriends. I mean, it makes me really uncomfortable when they talk about other girls or ex's, so I don't talk about other guys and my ex's. 

So, Cradle of Filth concert tonight! I'm quite stoked. However, I'm going to be dead on Wednesday, considering I have to get up at six in the morning to get to school and write a test. But, it should be worth it.

Anyways, I'm heading off now. Ta-ta for now!

- Fidel Faron

 Perhaps my last post was a little bit harsh. I was upset with myself and I was overly paranoid that I had fucked up greatly. I just hope that everything is still well. I know that I overreacted a bit, but can you really blame me, what with everything that has happened in the past? I'm used to being a major screw-up. I guess it's what I do best. Not something to be proud of.

Today sucked pretty badly. Class was a waste of my time.  I arrived at work an hour early and when I started, there wasn't really a lot to do. I was upstairs wasting time until around one, then went downstairs to do a junior cart. I waited. No BM. I waited some more, took my time. Still no BM. My coworker hadn't seen him, either. Soon it was getting passed the point of him running late. He just didn't show. I was pretty disappointed about that. I haven't seen him since about a week before Christmas. I haven't had any inspiration either, hence the immense lack of BM. Mondays are my only day that I can be at work around his usual arrival time. Perhaps next week we'll have more luck. I really hope so, anyways. I am getting anxious. I need to start writing again, but how am I expected to when my inspiration is lost? It doesn't bode well for me.

Ok, so let's get to some highlights now, shall we? I think cheerful news is in order. My one month with Goth is this coming Sunday (since we officially started going out on December 18th, and this Sunday is the 18th). So I'm quite happy about that. I've also been listening to a band called Sonata Arctica a lot. They're absolutely amazing, for sure. I highly recommend them to everyone.

I went to a birthday party for one of Goth's friends. It was pretty fun, two old friends of mine were there so I had some people to talk to. I also met a bunch of new people, and got marginally tipsy. Overall it was pretty cool. I'm pretty sure I fucked up again later that night though. So, that made two nights in a row. Way to go, Fidel. Em called me last night when he was on break at work to find out what was wrong, because he knew I'd been feeling pretty down. So I told him, and he said not to worry, that I was probably overreacting. He's probably right, too. So I suppose that I shouldn't worry too much. 

Anyways, again I've run out of interesting ideas to write. Sorry if I'm boring you all with my severe lack of a life right now. Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron

 So, way to fuck up, you fucking piece of shit. You always have to do that, don't you? Just when things are perfect, you have to go ahead and fuck everything up. You're such an asshole. You're the biggest bitch I've ever met and I'm surprised that people can seem to want to stick with you at all. You're such a bother to be around. You're just a worthless, selfish, self-centered bitch, and you know that. You've always known that. You are and forever will be a screw-up. I fucking hate you with everything I have...

....Fidel.

Thanks for making my life shit.

 I feel so edgy all of a sudden. I haven't  the foggiest reason why. Perhaps because within the passed 72 hours I have had to simply erase some people from my life, cut off all ties with them and try to forget that they ever existed. Which is slightly harder than it sounds, since these people used to actually mean something to me. But there comes a time when you just can't put up with the bullshit anymore, no matter how forgiving a person you are. 

I need my inspiration back. But I haven't seen BM in at least a month, if not longer, and this depresses me so. However, I will hopefully be seeing him on Monday, since I work 12-5, and perhaps then my inspiration will come flowing back and I can finally continue with Paper Rabbits again. After all, if it weren't for BM, there would be no Paper Rabbits. And that would be terrible. I really should thank him one day. Perhaps I will dedicate the book to him, because Lord knows I will never talk to him. Unless, of course, it is my fate to do so. But since I am the biggest coward, especially when it comes to talking to random people, that might be a slight problem. But perhaps if he came in during the weekend it would be better. Hmm, indeed that would work out nicely. Since I work every week. And I really want to get this novel finished. It's not even halfway done. But, I shall hopefully have my inspiration back soon, since I'll be working all day and night on Mondays. I'm very excited. 

Oh, I forgot to mention last time that I finally caved in and bought a cell phone. Yes, that's right: I have a cell phone! It's weird. But cool. I text all the time. Well, only with Goth. I've gotten a few from Doxy, Beck and Cookie, but that's about it. I'm still trying to figure some things out on it, since I'm still quite new to the whole cell phone thing. But overall it's pretty spiffy.

I'm tired and I think I ate expired whipped cream. It didn't taste very good. Hopefully I don't get food poisoning. That would be a shame for sure. Although...that would mean no school for a few days! That would be quite splendid indeed. Anyways, I'm off now. Still nothing incredibly interesting to write about. I think my mind has drawn a blank. I want to write something but I have no idea what to write. Perhaps I'll just go to sleep. Or watch a movie. Or do something equally less productive with my time, since I seem to have to bloody much of it. I'm also quite bored. I think people should start being around more to help me cure my boredom.

Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron

 Another year has come and gone. It feels like just yesterday that 2008 was beginning. However, I am sure glad that I don't have to repeat that year. Sure, it was a good year overall. But there were many bad aspects to it that I don't ever wish to re-live. But that's all in the past now, thank goodness!

NewYears eve was absolutely fantastic. Pretty good turn out of people, and they all had a really good time. I was...slightly tipsy. SJ was pretty wasted. It was awesome. By the end of the night, though, everyone started leaving. I was under the impression that a bunch of people were crashing at my place, but they all left. Except for Goth. But that was definitely amazing. He was the last person I saw before I went to bed, and the first person I saw when I woke up the next morning. It was absolutely wonderful. I had only gotten maybe two hours of sleep that night. But I didn't care. Goth and I spent a few hours alone in the basement that morning (he slept on the pull-out bed) and it was lovely. Then we hung out around here for a bit before heading over to his house for a little change in scenery. It was definitely the perfect start to the new year.

This week has gone downhill pretty much.  Isn't it funny. I go by the philosophy that you should always forgive people, to give them second chances and trust their judgement. To quote Victor Garber, "Love your enemies. And pray for your persecutors!" However, I have tried doing that to countless ends. And I have finally had enough. 

First thing's first, Saunds is a fucking asshole and I really hope that someone tears him a new one soon. He's a fucking liar, he has no respect for anyone but himself and I am SO tired of his shit. So he marks number one who I've cut off all last contact with. Then, JT thinks that he can just slip back into my life for a second, only for the purpose of completely pissing me off. And he succeeded, only because he struck me so close to home. Well, fuck you JT. Now he marks the second person whom I've happily deleted from my life.

Hmm, perhaps I got those numbers wrong. First was KD who I erased. I don't need that shit. But in all honesty I'd rather put up with his shit than face the other two. KD was just an annoying waste of space, whereas the other two I had come to develop strong feelings for. Why? I don't know. It seems that everyone these days is two-faced and decides to backstab you when you least expect it. But anyways, I'm done with that. I feel much better. 

On a better note (okay well not better, but different), college started again. Yay. Not fun. Sitting in a classroom filled with chicks that don't talk to you, listening to a professor ramble on about things you don't care about....why am I even there? I have no idea. I thought it would be fun. I was wrong. I suppose, since it's only been two days, I should still give it a chance. 

I skipped my afternoon class. I know the professor, so it shouldn't be too hard a class. And also, it's the first day. Like we're going to get any assignments, please. So today has been a rather lazy day, full of nothing special, really. Tomorrow will be better though, for sure.

I really don't have anything else that is interesting to write here. So I shall take my leave and update when something of interest happens. Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron

 Today I am running on a memory. Not a light one. Not a good one, although it once was at the time. I am remembering and I am crying because nothing really was how it seemed. It has been made clear now that all of it was fake; unreal. It was a lie. And foolish, foolish me. I was happy living the lie.

I did not know it was a lie. I thought that the words that were spoken were meant. But I am wrong. I have found out today that I am nothing and I am only thought of as an unflattering title. That is the memory that I am. I do not wish to be such a memory to anyone, but that is what I am forced to be. 

I am running on a memory. It feels more like a treadmill. It keeps repeating the same track over and over again and I am really not running in any particular direction. I would like to think that I am running forward. I have instead taken a huge leap backwards. I think I may have landed in a puddle. I feel cold. How is it that I can feel cold and hot at the same time? I am warm but I am shivering. It's like day and night. Day in night. 

I have found a lover and he is called dream. I have never taken much thought to it. I love my dreams. They make no sense, but neither does my life right now. My dreams match my socks, which coincidently never match. I think it's twisted. My dreams give me energy. They make me think. No, I think too much. I do not try and analyze my dreams. I leave them as they are. They are weird and they are profound but they give me hope and they amuse me. Imagination is the building block to my dreams. I think. So I'd like to say, anyways. Or maybe I really am just a mess up the attic. Who knows. I like it when things don't make sense, because to me, that's when everything does make sense.

If that makes any sense.

- Fidel Faron

 You know, there are a lot of songs out there that make me cry. Uncontrollably. It's pathetic, really. 

I find that I am at a loss for words at this moment in time. The events from the past week have been positively incredible and I could not have asked for a better time in my life. Christmas was wonderful; I got to spend it with my family and we all had a really fun time. And to complete the night, Goth came over a little after dinner and we spent the evening together. It was quite a special night. Boxing day, pretty much the same thing happened. My Ma's side of the family came over for dinner and drinks, Goth stayed the evening again and all was well and splendid.

I must have done something right. I'm not sure exactly what that would be, but I must have. How else could such a fortune be bestowed upon me? In His eyes, I must be worthy of joy. And this makes me proud and it makes me smile. We all have our ups and downs, and boy have I had my fair share of downs, but sooner or later you will start to see that the glass really is half full. 

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. Christmas is such a special time of year. I admit that I used to be one of those selfish pigs who cared only for presents and food at this time. I used to think that it was all about me. But I then I started to see the real picture. I started to see what I little monster I was and I knew that I had to stop thinking so selfishly. So, sitting around the tree Christmas morning, while everyone else opened presents, I sat back and I was happy for them, happy that they all were showered with gifts from family. I knew I wasn't going to get anything. But to be honest, there was nothing I wanted. All I needed was my family, my faith, and the true Christmas spirit. And that's exactly what I had. I didn't need anything more. 

It's sad when people cannot understand what the true meaning of Christmas is. Even if they aren't religious, or follow this certain faith, they should still at least stop and think about things. Christmas is a time of giving and sharing and loving and no one seems to understand that anymore. And now that I think about it, perhaps God was in a very giving mood. Perhaps I have been forgiven for things that I have done, and He has rewarded me by blessing me with a simple joy in my life. And Goth has certainly been lifting my spirits. 

I can't help but think back to the way I used to be. And what's worse is that people still think that I am that way. I was a monster, plain and simple. I cared nothing for anyone and I never gave a second thought to anyone but myself. My mind was a killer and it was consumed by hatred and hurt. I thought that it would strengthen me, by thinking such horrible thoughts and believing such horrible things. But I was wrong. I used to make fun of those who were less fortunate than I. I didn't take the time to stop and think about what I was saying, and about how these people really feel. I'd never walked a day in their shoes so I had no idea what it was like. But that was wrong, so very wrong. Whenever I'd read in the papers that someone died, I would smile and think of revenge. I don't know why I was the way I was. 

The other day, Ma was telling me how she read that a young family was killed. Someone broke into their house and killed the mother, the young child, and harmed the father and other child. The father survived in the hospital, and everything was looking bright. Until he, too, died suddenly, and only the son was left with no family to take care of him. I went upstairs after hearing this and I cried. I cried and cried and prayed that the family were now in peace, and I prayed that the son would be alright. It was such a horrible circumstance and I just couldn't bare to picture it. 

I was horrible and I regret it. I try not to have any regrets in my life, but I truly regret being the way I was. Now that I know what it's like to actually have a heart I can see all of the hurtful mistakes I have made. And deep down, I am still a monster. I know this, and people have tried to convince me otherwise but they do not know me. They only see one part of me. They don't understand. That monster still dwells in me and I know it will never leave. But I need it and I know I can't live without it. I need it and it needs me and together we complete each other. But I have faith and that is more powerful than the absurd lust of the monster and so I am able to cloak it in darkness deep within. But it is there and I can feel it. Is it strange that I love it? Is it so bad that I can still care for it and nurture it and keep it? It was me. It is me, just a very different part of me. Without this part of me, though, I wouldn't be me. It is a bad part of me but at the same time it is also my greater good. I have put this monster to good use and it has served me well. At the same time, I have served it well and I love it. 

I have a lot to think about. I've had a lot on my mind lately, good and bad. There is something I have realized and I'm debating whether or not to say something to someone. I think, perhaps, I will hold my tongue. I've never been good at talking to people, saying what I really feel. I am a coward and I can deal with that. I need a spine. I mean, I know I have one. But in certain scenarios where it withers away, this is when I really need one. Strong and sturdy. Although, perhaps it is not yet the right time. I will let the Light lead me down that path and tell me when the time is right.

Anyways, I must be off. Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron

 I wrote a song today. A song that once and for all proves my freedom, my escape, my release. It may not seem like much. Perhaps it's not. But I wrote it and I feel better about everything now.  I admit that even after it started, I still had thoughts of the past. Perhaps I was still living there. But since he couldn't even admit that he loved me, my eyes had finally and completely been opened. And I realize that he isn't worth my thoughts, my life, my time. 

Things are brighter now. Much brighter, much better. 

 My week only continues to get better and here is why:

Monday night, Goth came over. I met him halfway between his house and mine and we walked back to my house. He met my parents, brother, and of course, Wally. Oh, joy. But they behaved themselves. I gave him a tour of the house, then we settled down in the basement to talk and cuddle and get to know each other better. We spent the whole night side by side, and I really did get to know him a whole lot better. And thank goodness no interruptions came from my parents. So we had the basement to ourselves and we sat there watching TV and cuddling and talking and eventually he leaned in and kissed me. And in no time at all it was one o'clock in the morning. But I couldn't get enough of his lips, his touch, his scent, the warmth from his skin radiating onto me and causing my heart to race and my breath to quicken and my head to spin. He's a real sweetheart, and something deep down tells me that he just may be different from all the others.

I am careful, though. And I am warned. I will not be rushing into this. I will not jump with both feet and I will land solidly if and when I decide that it is time to do so. Oh, but there is more.

He invited me to a party he was having for his friend on Tuesday night.  I called Goth earlier that day to get directions to his house and we ended up talking for a while. Then I was at work until nine and luckily my Da agreed to take me over for a while. So I was introduced to Goth's friends. Mulhall was there, so at least I knew someone. After giving me a tour of his house (and, by the way, Goth has a huge, lovely home) Goth, me, Mulhall and his girlfriend all went into the garage to smoke. Well, Mulhall's girlfriend and I didn't smoke. Then Smokey came out to join us. He was already ridiculously drunk, and with the added weed that he smoked on top of that (and it was a lot) he was just insane. A while later, Mulhall and his girlfriend left and Goth and I were stuck in the garage with Smokey. After doing a shotgun of weed (its like a Super, but you put your mouth to the other person's) with Goth, we decided to go inside and warm up. We hung out in the basement played a game of shuffleboard. I lost, of course, but it was fun. And then, soon after, people started to leave. And eventually it was just Goth and I in the basement. We cuddled on the couch for a while and eventually ended up making out again. Until Smokey came back and started rambling on again. And one of Goth's other friends came down as well, and started fighting Smokey (not actually, though. Just play fighting). But it was a lot of fun. And around eleven o'clock I had to get going, so I kissed Goth goodbye, thanked him for inviting me, and headed out.

Goth called me the next day and we spoke for a long time. I love talking to him on the phone because he actually talks. We talked about a lot of things, laughed a lot, and I just really enjoy talking to him. His friend showed up for a visit, so Goth left to hang out with him for a while, but told me he'd be online later on. So we both spoke online later on and decided that we'd hang out at his house the next day.

He called me just before 12:30 the next day and we both began walking to meet up with each other, and then walk back to his house. As he came into view I saw that he was walking his little dog, Marley. It was the cutest sight, seeing a tall skinny boy decked out in all black and looking scary, walking a cute little fluffy dog. I couldn't help but smile. Once at his house, we stopped and talked to his ma for a bit before heading upstairs and chilling in his room. He showed me an instrumental that he'd written based on the poster "Chemical Wedding" (the poster of a dragon embraced with an angel, which I have been wanting for a long time). Goth's music is absolutely beautiful. I fell in love with it instantly. And afterwards he showed he a song he and his friend did. It's a "gothic rap" song, which was actually amazing. Then we took a bunch of pictures on his Mac on Photobooth, surfed the net and watched random Youtube videos, and eventually headed downstairs for a snack. Then we went to the basement and played pool while listening to Linkin Park. I lost, but it was pretty close. Then we played a game of darts, and again I came so close to winning. We wandered over to the couch where we sat down and played a game of Crazy 8's. And yet again, I lost. And as we were cleaning the deck up, he placed a folded piece of paper on top and told me that it was for me. So I took it and opened it and I almost cried. He had written me a little poem, which was absolutely adorable, and asked me to be his. I couldn't stop smiling, and of course I said yes. It was the sweetest thing ever. And for the rest of my stay that day we were entwined together, listening to music and talking and kissing and I was just so happy. I'm still not sure if right now, 'happy' is the right word to use. But it seems right. Or at least, it's getting there. So now, I am in a relationship with Goth and I am happy.

I called Beck when I got home but she was in the shower, and when she called back I was eating dinner, so I called her back after that. And I told her what had happened and she laughed and she was happy for me. We talked for a while before she had to go for dinner. I'm glad that she's such an amazing friend. I love her to death and I don't know what I'd do without her. 

I spoke to Goth for a while online last night as well. He's so adorable. I worry, though. There is some trouble with his Da and it's not too good. I know a lot of families with parents who aren't always best suited and I wish to God that there was someway that I can help. But perhaps all I can do is just be there for him and offer him shelter and closure and let him know that I will be there for him no matter what.

I know that we've only known each other a week (well, six days, really, since he asked me out yesterday) but I have a good feeling about this. And I am calm and I am not jumping with both feet. I am taking my time, keeping my emotions under wraps and this is what is most important. But I cannot wait to see him again, although the urge to do so isn't burning like it did with others in the past. Yes, this will be done right. I can make things right this time and I know I can. Because I know I can do it. 

Anyways, I'm getting ready to head out now. I shall write again soon. Ta-ta for now.

- Fidel Faron